I am sorry I haven’t written in a while. The truth is I haven’t been able to. Not for lack of time but because lately my life has been, for lack of a better word, crap. And with my emotions all over the place, I’ve been having trouble concentrating and focusing for long enough to write anything half decent.
As I write this, I have just blown up at someone, someone I know cares for me, for wanting to give me a hug. Strange, right? Mostly because that hug felt like it was coming from a place of condescending pity. After about half an hour of arguing about my choices and the state of my life, after hearing them giving me advices that I could only class as ridiculous in face of what’s going on (at a certain point they told me I should think about learning Mandarin because that, apparently is the language of the future and could be very useful in my current hunt for a job… Really??? I mean…), they wanted to give me a hug. And I blew up.
I know I am being unfair. They can’t possibly understand what I am going through because they have never been in the position I am in right now. They don’t know how I feel because I can’t even begin to explain it. They’re trying to help but all their attempts, along with their outsider suggestions and observations, only make me feel worse. All I really wanted was for them to say “it’s ok, it’s a tough situation, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through”. That’s it. Then let me be, let me heal. I will heal, eventually, but I need time. And no, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want a hug, I don’t want pity, I don’t want advice. I just want to be.
I really believe a lot of our relationship problems, be it with romantic partners, family or friends, could be lessened if only people were more willing to accept they don’t hold all the answers and they can’t fix everything for the other person. If only more of us were able to step up and admit we don’t know what’s best, we don’t know what the other person is going through. We don’t know and that’s it, full stop!
See, I know they mean well. But they’re making me feel worse. How long should we keep on pretending that everything is alright simply to spare others from feeling concerned or worried? I don’t want to pretend anymore. I am not ok. None of this is ok. But that doesn’t mean I need someone to fix me. I just need space and time to heal.