I admit the first thought that comes to my brain in the morning is not a positive one. When the alarm rings and I struggle to open my eyes, more often than not, my first thought of the day is “why bother?”. My initial instinct is to cover my head and go back to sleep.
But I don’t. I get up. I take a deep breath. I make that walk over to the shower and feel the water cleaning my body. I take another deep breath. I get dressed and ready to face the day. And I start attempting to reprogramme my thought pattern by bringing up the positive facts that I know to be true.
Just because today doesn’t feel like much, it doesn’t mean things can’t change for the better. If I am alive it must be for a reason. I still haven’t finished my role on this Earth. Just because I am lost, it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to find myself. Nothing lasts forever, this too will pass, and I need to stick around to see it. I need to fight for a better future, I need to give myself a chance and treat myself with the same kindness and understanding I am always so willing to offer others.
Another deep breath.
This has always been one of the toughest things for me. Trying to control the darkness inside, the awful depressive cycle my thoughts can quickly get involved in, if I allowed them to. Yet, lately, this isn’t the most difficult thing to deal with anymore. It’s how tired I am.
Let me just assure you this is no Covid side-effect. I have never, to my knowledge, been infected and I am currently not experiencing any symptoms of illness whatsoever. No, this is something else. This is a symptom of the state of my world. It may very well be a symptom of my depression wanting to flare up again.
I feel tired all the time. I want to sleep for the whole day, yet, when night comes and I go to bed, I can not fall asleep easily. My motivation levels have dropped, my ability to imagine a better future is hanging on by a thread. My eyelids are constantly heavy, my arms feel weak. I am a healthy, young person (well, young-ish!). I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I know this isn’t a reflection of my physical health, it’s my body reacting to my mental state.
I keep hoping for better days. The longer this lasts the more tired I’m afraid I’ll feel. This fatigue that comes from within, caused by a world that I don’t recognize.
Why so tired? I know why.
So, today I’ll be tired. I’ll sleep in, lay down and give my mind the time it is asking me, to heal. I will try to silence the doubts and fears that cloud my brain and concentrate on breathing and resting. Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow I’ll commit to regaining my energy. I will walk my dog, practice my French, read another chapter of a new book I got, try a strange and fantastic recipe for the very first time, put on a Body Combat lesson on my laptop and kick and punch the air until my frustrations melt away. I will do all that, even if I don’t feel like it, even if at first I think I am too tired to do it. Because some days are worse than others, some days the lockdown wins and fatigue sets in, but not tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.